Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Snark Therapy: Inspirations

Recent additions to my Pinterest Snark Board.

link to Pinterest
Psst. Little orange fish. You wanna know which direction I think the shark is going to come from?

link to  Pinterest
Hey, Lady! You might want to stop living the now and open your eyes. The neighbors would really it if you'd cut your grass already.

link to Pinterest
It's lies like this that let the douchebags keep on being douchebags.

link to Pinterest
Disclaimer: This does not apply if you are going to work, going out to dinner, going to the store, or otherwise going "out." In that case, brush your teeth AND your hair, put on some make-up, and for God's sake change out of your pajama's!

link to Pinterest
Sign at Bass Pro Shop: "All good things are wild and free" -- HDT. I'm wondering why they didn't add, "and we can help you make it dead."

Sunday, February 26, 2012

This Week in Tweets: The Return

My only recurring blog topic, This Week in Tweets, has been away for far too long. Well now it's back, baby.

My personal ten favorite tweets from this past week.

This week in tweets made possible by: @BorowitzReport, @guiltysquid, @LABeachmom, @AlisonSWLee, @MarinkaNYC, @SarcasminAction, @RealDosEquisMan, @JohnFugelsang, @cheeseboy22

Now go... follow the funny.

(FollowtheFunny is a Twitter list of the tweeps that have recently appeared on my This Week in Tweets.)

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Bees: Part 3

In case you missed it, here are The Bees: Part 1 and Part 2.

Our house had been invaded by bees. We had sealed their entry point, but had to deal with the fact that there were over a hundred bees in our house at this point.

Luckily it was a very sunny day and that was drawing the bees to the windows. We brought the vacuum first to the living room with the huge window. We sucked up all that we could. Next to the sunroom. Suck. Suck. Suck. Systematically, we worked our way through the house sucking up bees as we went.

I started to worry when we hadn't gotten them all and it started to get darker outside. As the sun went down, the bees started flying around the house more since the windows were no longer guiding them to the light. But we kept at it until we thought that we had sucked up almost all of them.

Now to tackle the hive. Mr. Research had read that the best time to try to rid your house of bees is very late at night. The bees will all be sleeping, so you're less likely to get a fight out of them... at least at the beginning. Mr. Research had also learned what to use to get rid of the bees, so he needed to head to The Home Depot to pick up bee killer. After picking up the poison, we had several hours to kill before beginning our assault, so we headed to a friends' house and hung out and waited.

Finally, at midnight, we headed back home, rose duster and poison at the ready. Hubby rigged up the rose duster, stuck a tube on the end of it, and put a nozzle on the end of the tube so it would fit into the hole in our ceiling. He climbed up toward the ceiling, peeled the tape back, and stuck the tube in. Research was apparently correct, because when he peeled the tape back, none of our little friends was waiting to come through. They were all sleeping soundly. Then he began pumping the pesticide into the wall. Well, that woke them up. The scratching noise returned as every bee in the hive started crawling around. He must have pumped five pounds of that stuff into the wall before sealing the hole back up.

Mission accomplished. It was very hard for me to sleep that night. I was sure that there were still bees in the house. Bees that we had missed because we hadn't gotten them all before the sun went down. And I knew that if there were still bees in the house, they would definitely be waking up before I would. I kept having visions of angry bees waking up in the morning and realizing that I had killed all their buddies and seeing me still sleeping in my bed and attacking me. Thankfully, that didn't happen. (Obviously.)

A few weeks later Hubby got a ladder and cut a hole in the ceiling to clean out the carnage. I wish I'd taken a picture. The size of the bee's nest was enormous. In the end, I decided to be thankful for a lot of things that went right with our little adventure. Super-prepared husband. That Saturday was supposed to have been a day where 20 people were over at our house. Worse yet, they could have bored through that drywall on a day when I was at work and had all day to spill into the house. And I can't even imagine what I would have done had they come through while my husband was out of town. Actually, I take that back. I would have closed the door, locked it, and checked into a hotel. I just don't do bees.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Bees: Part 2

In case you missed it,  The Bees: Part 1.

So there we were, enjoying our carefree Saturday. I was playing around on my computer in the office. My husband made a frozen pizza for lunch and called up to see if I wanted some. I came downstairs and we both sat on the couch and watched TV and ate some pizza. After lunch, I headed back up to the office.

As I walked upstairs and past the guest bedroom, I spotted a bee buzzing against the window. I immediately turned to get Hubby to rid our house of the bee. I do not do bees. As I turned, I saw another bee on the skylight above me. I took a step down the stairs and a third bee flew past me, heading toward the large, two story window in our living room. That's when I looked toward the window and saw them. The window was crawling with bees. Dozens of bees clinging to the window or trying to fly through it.

Needless to say, I kind of freaked out at this point. I called to my husband. While he was coming, I turned and looked up at the spot where we had heard the scratching noise behind the drywall. There was now a small hole in the ceiling and bees were steadily emerging from the hole and heading toward their comrades at the front window. A few of the bees would occasionally give up at the front window and fly past me toward other windows looking for an alternative exit.

My husband soon joined me in the living room and sprang into action. His research, it turns out, had paid off, as he had happen to come across information on what to do in the event that the bees ever get into your house. He grabbed the vacuum and headed up to the bedroom. He held the end of the wand right up to the hole and stopped the flow of additional bees into our house and instead directed them into the bottom of our vacuum cleaner.

I, on the other hand, was standing nearby, trying to avoid having anything to do with the bees and hoping he didn't fall out the bedroom "window" and break his neck. And then he tells me, "I need you to come hold the vacuum cleaner."

"What!!! Why?"

Well, either he could stand there all day and hold the vacuum cleaner to the hole, or he could go get a piece of tape and cover up the hole so that they couldn't get in.

Fine. That made sense. Yuck. And also, I hate bees, but OK.

I stood on a chair, took the vacuum and held it up to the perfect, little circle in my ceiling. Thump. Thump. Thump. I could feel every bee getting sucked into the hose. Gross. Thump. Thump. They kept coming. About one every 5 seconds or so. Occasionally, one of the bees from the front window would give up on trying to fly through the glass and head back toward the hole in the ceiling, back toward me. As soon as it would get within range of the vacuum, I lowered the wand and sucked the bee out of the air. Every time it happened, at least three bees had emerged from the hole by the time I got the wand back up there, so I had to suck them up, too. Man they were fast.

Hubby came back with some packing tape. I kept the vacuum near the hole while he precariously reached for the ceiling and sealed them in. Whew. No more bees getting into the house. Now we just had to deal with the scores of bees that were already in the house and still had to eliminate the hundreds of bees that were still in the ceiling...

Tomorrow, Part 3: The exciting conclusion.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Bees: Part 1

A little story from a long time ago...

My husband and I purchased our very first home on February 29, 2000. At the time, my husband traveled full time for his job, which meant that he left for O'Hare before I even woke up on Monday mornings, and returned home late Thursday evening. Our first spring in our new home meant adjusting to life as homeowners, but with a husband who was only home three days a week. So all the "man jobs" got done on the weekends or not at all. Three short days to squeeze in grass cutting and lawn maintenance along with all the other fixes and handiwork a husband/new homeowner does.

One weekend while we were in our front yard, I noticed there seemed to be a lot of bees around the garage. I stepped out onto the driveway and watched them fly around to see where they were coming from. I noticed that there were quite a bit more bees flying around above the garage, and that they all seemed to be going to and from a spot where our second story bedroom met our one story garage.

The husband took note and agreed to climb up there and take a look on a weekend in the not too distant future. Sounded like a plan. We finished our yard work for the day, went to bed, and Hubby headed back to the east coast for the week.

One day while he was gone that week, I stood in my bedroom looking down on my empty living room, thinking about how someday it would not be so barren. Our house had a strange feature where there was a huge, open space in our second story bedroom wall, creating a window that looked down over the main level living room.

This picture was taken several years after the "bees incident", but you can see the hole in the wall above the living room  and see the ceiling fan that was in our bedroom. If you stood there, you could reach up and touch the ceiling.

As I stood there, I could hear a soft scratching noise. I moved closer to the wall and listened. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. It sounded like someone was softly rubbing continuously on the drywall with their fingernails. I looked at the wall. Then it hit me. I was standing right next to the spot where all the bees had been coming and going from above the garage.

As soon as my husband got home, I brought him immediately to the bedroom and stood him in the same spot and watched him as he listened. Yes, he agreed, it was probably bees. He would come up with a plan to eliminate them. Now something you should know about my husband, he is Mr. Research. Whenever we need to buy something, he's all over the Internet reading product reviews and investigating different options and whatnot. It's great. Whenever I need something new, I know he'll do a great deal of homework so we end up with something great. This applies to projects, too. When we needed to stain the deck for the first time, he read all about the do's and don'ts of deck staining. Needed to install a new hot water heater, Mr. Research got busy reading and installed us a new water heater. So when there are bees living in one of your walls, Mr. Research is not about to just climb up on the roof and start spraying Bee-Be-Gone and hope for the best. And since this didn't seem to be an emergency issue, researching an elimination plan seemed like a great idea.

The weekend came and went, projects got done around the house, and Hubby headed out of town again on Monday. While he was away, he spent some time researching bee removal. A plan was being formulated. When he returned on Thursday, the bee situation had not changed and we proceeded to have an uneventful weekend. We had planned on a small barbecue/housewarming that Saturday, but it had so happened that every person we knew was busy that weekend. So we rescheduled our little gathering for a few weeks later and looked forward to a low-key weekend without any plans. Ahhhhhh.

The bees had other plans.....

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Other 84 Million Moms

I've been a little busy lately, so you'll have to forgive me for my apparent cave residency, but I only recently learned of the existence of One Million Moms. Someone I know posted a link to one of their "causes" on Facebook, so I took a look. (Mind you, my friend was commenting that this particular "cause" was a bit ridiculous, making it Facebook status-worthy.)

OMFG! Seriously? I generally don't trawl the Interwebs looking for groups of people who disagree with me, but since I happened to stumble upon them, I just can't help myself. If you happen to be unfamiliar with the group One Million Moms, as I was just a week ago, here is an excerpt from their FAQ page: is an online project of the American Family Association... [that] exists to motivate and equip citizens to change the culture to reflect the Biblical truth.

OK. Now that I've stopped gagging, let me share some of my other favorite passages from their website:
  • " was begun to give moms an impact with the decision-makers and let them know we are upset with the messages they are sending our children and the values (or lack of them) they are pushing."You know what, I'm a mom, too. And yes, there is a LOT of stuff out there that I don't want my children exposed to. But you know what I do about it? I parent. I screen what my children watch on television, what video games they play, what movies they watch, and what they listen to on the radio. My oldest child is 5, so I have that luxury. And as he gets older, I am going to have to teach him how to make good choices. Because I know what's not going to work: railing against "the media" and "society" for putting bad choices out there for my kids to choose. Of course there are bad choices! There will always be bad choices. It's your job as a mom to teach your kids how to make the right choices. And yes, that can be very hard some days. It's also part of the job description of being a parent.
  • "How can I take action on something that offends me when OneMillionMoms doesn't address it?"This was on their FAQ page. And what a good question it is. How on earth could someone take action if OneMillionMoms is not addressing the issue? Heaven help us if we had to use our own little brains to figure out that we, ourselves, could contact a company that was promoting something that we found offensive.Crazy thought, I know.
  • "Our goal is to stop the exploitation of our children"
    Um... I've looked at some of the "causes" on your website. I would like to know how any of them are exploiting our children. Let's take a look, shall we...
Some of One Million Mom's causes:
  • JC Penney Offends Traditional Families Again
    OMM is upset that JCP chose Ellen Degeneres as their spokesperson. My word! An openly gay woman! ** now imagine me fanning myself with an invisible fan to prevent myself from fainting ** They go on to say that they're further upset with how JCP has been sending calls from their supporters to voicemail. This is, in their view, "tragic." Yes, tragic, that their supporters are being directed to voicemail to voice their bigotry and closemindedness instead of being able to do so to a real live person. No, OMM, tragic is the 16,000 children who die EVERY DAY from starvation. JCP not wasting an employee on listening to your intolerant views, not so much.

    Personally, I haven't shopped at a JC Penny in about 10 years. I will be making a point of doing so this week.

    I am wondering though, how does JCP choosing Ellen as their spokesperson "exploit children" exactly?
  • Macy's Continues to Offend Customers
    OMM is upset that on a recent catalog that Macy's distributed, there was a wedding registry ad that included (cover your children's eyes)... a cake topper with two grooms. ** gasp **

    Again, I have to ask, how does this exploit our children? Unless... oh no! You don't think Macy's is hoping that those two grooms are children, do you? Well if so, I'm with you OMM. I definitely do not want my son choosing his wedding cake topper until he is at least 18 years of age. But at that point, as long as the person he chooses to wed makes him happy until he is old and gray, I really could care less about his spouse's gender.
  • Family Dollar Stores - Christmas greed at its worst
    OMM was upset that Family Dollar chose to remain open on Christmas Day, thus causing their employees to have to work instead of being home with their families. Yeah, I get how that can suck. In my life I've worked a number of jobs that required me to work on Christmas Day, including working at a hospital and at a casino, neither of which close "for the holiday." Why on earth does OMM feel the need to single out Family Dollar for this travesty? You know how many people had to work on Christmas Day? I'm guessing the vast majority of them don't work at Family Dollar.

    Oh, and one last time, how exactly is this exploiting our children?
Ugh. I could go on, but what's the point. Clearly, I am not One Million Mom's target audience. But it does REALLY make me want to create my own website: You know, the rest of us all American moms that think the one million of you are ridiculous.